I’m a NANO Babe

What is NANO? Is it Neighboring Aliens Not Original?  Northwest Amateur Night Owls?  Or is it something else entirely.  

NANO is short for National Novel Writers November.  During that month thousands of writers will commit to writing a 50,000 word novel.  That means we have to each put 1,067– 2,000 words on the paper every day during November.  Now this isn’t really a complete novel.  Mine usually run about 75,000, but if I get 50,000 words, I won’t leave it.  My mind refuses to leave it.  In fact I have a hard time remembering that it isn’t reality, just my brain working on a puzzle.  That’s why I’m so crazy.

I have a sign on my office door that says:

Caution

Writer at work

Bystanders may be

Written into a story

That’s just exactly what is happening this year.  I’m writing people into the story that I have seen.  They will not be recognizable as such because their names, and circumstances will have been changed to protect the ridiculous.  Actually it is a fruit basket upset so that one person’s personality is with another person’s face and still another set of weird habits.  And then I threw a lot in also.  But the basic premise is the same. 

Novels don’t just come into being because I sit down at my computer.   Before November, just to get ready, I have chosen my topic, the general direction the novel is going, and I know a little about the characters.  The characters sometimes get a mind of their own and then I have to fight them to keep the story on track.  Remember, these are people I’ve seen lately, so if you’ve seen me recently, or know someone that has, beware.  If not, get to know my fun, crazified friends.  I’ve made them crazy, not that they are crazy to begin with.  For instance, there is the group photographer that carries his camera everywhere but takes all of his pictures with his phone.  He’s a producer of B movies.

Anyway, follow me here as I go through the writing process in November. By the end of the month I’ll have a good start to my novel.  I promise it will be worth it.

Halloween is almost here and I can share now the secret to having a great time while staying at home. It’s great entertainment, but it only lasts a year.

 First get out an old shirt and a pair of jeans and attach them at the waist, doesn’t matter with what.  Then stuff them.  Now take a balloon or soccer ball and put it inside of one leg of panty hose.  Attach this with a little extra length of nylon to the top of the shirt.  Use a rope of some sort and hang this dummy to the house with the extra rope fed in through a window.

Put a bowl of candy on the sidewalk for the kids to take if they want.  Put in one of those low-light colored bulbs for your porch light.  Turn the house lights off and watch for trick or treaters. 

When they leave the house next door, pull the rope a little so the dummy moves, and groan really loud.  They will either run really fast past your house or they will run the other way.

When the evening is over or you have been entertained enough, go out and retrieve the bowl of untouched candy, turn off the light and watch a movie at home. 

The reason I said this lasts only one year is that nobody will visit your house for Halloween for years to come.  They don’t like to be the dummy.

In case this isn’t spooky enough, here are two poems.

Off with his head

The Monster said.

Out with his guts

Take out his nuts

Cut out his eyes

We’ll make some pies

Or:

Set that pumpkin upside down.

Turn his smile into a frown.

Light the candle in his head.

Watch his insides burn bright red.

Leave him outside on the stoop,

Mold and mildew, fungal soup.

A Childlike View of the Functions of the Federal Government

Presidentures – Old man in charge of everything.  If he isn’t old when he starts this job, he will be when he finishes it, just from trying to get the people in the House of Cards and the Send Nate to get along and do things right.  My mom gets gray hairs when my brother and I don’t get along.  I think the Presidentures does too.  That’s why he is so old.

Underwear Secretary –Doesn’t want to be seen.  It’s embarrassing… but funny.  His friend, the guy in a suit keeps promising him to send him some more clothes, but so far that hasn’t happened.

Secretary of de Fence – Puts up fences around every country in the world.  It costs a lot of money.  He sends out Army Guys to do the real work.

Secretary of de Yard – Makes other countries mow their lawns.

Secretary of Schools –Tells people to make all kids alike by going to school.  The dumb kids have to get smarter and the smart kids have to get dumber so they can all be the same.

Secretary of Farmers – Does the paperwork so that the farmers can go riding around in their tractors

Washington Lobbyist – The guy that stands in the entry to the hotel and waits for you to come.  When you get there, he tries to tell you that you need a whole bunch of stuff you don’t.

House of Cards – Where a bunch of people in suits get together and argue.  They stack the deck against anyone that isn’t rich. Sometimes they don’t pay any attention to what the other people are saying and sometimes they don’t even go to the House of Cards.  They just want to sleep in or go play with the Lobbyist.

Send Nate – Not really a person, but lots of people that try to shoot arrows with notes on them at the House of Cards and try to knock it down. I think the notes tell the people in the House of Cards that no matter what they do the people shooting the arrows don’t like it.  Sometimes they also shoot arrows at the Presidentures Palace but he dodges the bullet.  That’s what Dad says.  Maybe he means the arrows.

Super Court – A bunch of old guys in black dresses that tell everyone else to knock it off.

The Cupboard – Where the Presidentures keeps his old people things.